Confidence is key

Within the past two years I have changed so much as a person that I can't recognize myself anymore. For the longest time I thought the changes were just normal changes that I had made because of stress, but in reality it wasn't the stress that was causing the problem.

The biggest thing I have come to the conclusion about is my lack of confidence mixed with a cocktail of different symptoms of my disorder that still need to be dealt with. The biggest eye-opener was the fact that I ended up calling the suicide hotline on Wednesday. This is the first time I have ever called the hotline because I felt I was in danger of my own self. The hotline called me back on Friday to check on me and is calling me back next week. It was this that made me realize that things are getting to a point that I'm not sure if I can handle them or not.

While depression is something I have always dealt with no matter what the issue is, if I can build my confidence back up a lot of my issues would be resolved. One big factor of it is with this lack of confidence it affects my job, my relationship building skills with the people around me, and overall ability to present myself in a good light.

Today I have been reminding myself to stay positive throughout the day. So far, it has made my day go by a little bit quicker than normal and has made me feel better. I'm also using this confidence and positivism to avoid over-eating. 

I'm also looking into getting on medication for my anxiety, but not one hundred percent certain how I feel about an anti-anxiety prescription. Nether-the-less, my goal is to keep reminding myself that I am a fantastic human being and I have good qualities and I need to present those qualities in the best way possible. 

What happens when you don't get help?

Things are hectic yet calm at the same time. I absolutely love my life right now. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I can't wait to marry someday, I have a job that truly cares about its individuals, and I still feel like I'm progressing somewhat in life.

Despite all of the good things, I feel my symptoms getting worse. I feel more physically violent, and impulsive. I have the strongest urge to self harm again, and I've been fighting it for a long time now. I've been dialing the same therapist office multiple times. I've never been so terrified of losing myself more than I am now.

The anger is what is causing a lot of problems. I truly want to be the best person I can be but I can't keep hurting the people I love and care about. I haven't been doing my part around the house, and I know that. I know I've been curling up and just ignoring all responsibilities. I've been so depressed and I'm trying to get out of that spell. I feel distant from everyone around me. I feel like I'm almost becoming a loner. I've been pushing away my friends more than often, and I'm not meaning too. For the most part, its because I work so much and I'm never home alone that when I have the opportunity to be alone I want to enjoy it.

I wouldn't say my depression is pushing me towards the suicidal end yet. I've had thoughts sure, but nothing serious enough that I'm worried. I'm afraid of it getting to that point. Every single time I let myself get that down, I end up in some sort of mental health facility. The fear that they lock you up forever is a complete joke. Everyone needs mental health treatment these days. They want you in, treated in about a week, and they want you out. They have people sitting in ER rooms waiting for a bed to become available. I know, I was one of those people. I had to sit in an ER room until 1-2AM waiting for a bed to become free.

I've thought about checking myself into a stabilization unit again just to put myself back in place. I just remember last time how much I hated the doctor. People there didn't seem to care as much as they should, but it was a great escape from reality. I think if you're going to help people in need, you might want to act like you care.

Right now I just want to be normal. I just want to be able to not have to worry about what kind of mood I'll have to try to tame that day. Some days I'll cry all day, some days I'm mad all day, some days I get physical. After a while you just get to the part where you want the pain to stop.

People will do everything they can to numb their emotions and I'm doing my best not to get to that point rather that be with drugs, sex, or just not caring anymore. I'm trying very hard not to go back into that state of mind because its hard to get out of.  Its hard to ask for help when you don't feel like anyone understands enough to help you. I don't feel like I have any friends who I can call at 2am and just burst into tears and things would be okay. I miss having close friends, but I don't know if going back to old friendships would be a toxic thing to do or not. I'm at that point where I've never felt so alone in my life, but I don't know how to bring people close to me anymore.

Power of psychedelic medicine.

As I continue more into my college life I'm starting to discover what exactly it is I want to study. I have many different passions and ideas. One thing I am a full supporter of is using alternative medicines such as psychedelics, particularly LSD and psilocybin. It is known that there are no long-term effects that LSD and psilocybin have a negative effect on the brain. I'll post some helpful stories listed below that outline the basic ideas.

My experience has been terrifying and eye-opening at the same time. Having to deal with the symptoms of a personality disorder with no real good medicine, you struggle to find the answers to simple questions throughout your daily life. It's easy to lose focus of who you truly are, what your purpose is in this life. Using LSD in psychotherapy can help the patient be able to open up their mind more so that they are able to think past the depressing thoughts, the fears they have, and the mental walls they have created in their own head. LSD can help those battling with intense depression, high amounts of anxiety, as well as PTSD. For example, one theory is that taking LSD can help alcoholism. In the study listed below, it was found that LSD does have a beneficial effect in helping stop alcohol misuse.

I think there is a lot of stigmas out there seeing psychedelics in general as just "street drugs" and over-looking the medical effects that these substances can have on one's mental health. It can help those such as Rodrigo Nino who suffered from end of life anxiety. He explored the use of psychedelics by visiting the Shipibo people seeing if ayahuasca could help his anxiety.

It helps change your perception on how you view the negative things in the world around us. The prescriptions we take in today's world have side effects list that has more cons than pros on it. Typical anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicines do nothing for us put numb the feeling. They don't give us the chance to really understand why we feel the way we do. While yes, therapy is a large component you have to be able to break through your own mental walls and let the therapist in. For those struggling with high amounts of depression, PTSD, or any other mental illness this can be very hard and almost impossible to do.

Allowing psychedelics into our therapy sessions can help the patient not only be able to cope with the said triggering event but it lets them be able to expand their mind more freely without all of the mental roadblocks. It allows the patient to be able to freely open up to the therapist to get to the true root of the cause.

My personal experience has been a wonderful and groundbreaking experience. When you're in the middle of a trip, you are solely focused on the ones around you. You don't look at your phone, you don't wonder what time it is, you don't care what the rest of the world is doing for once. You are able to focus on who and what is in front of you right now. You are able to be one with your own thoughts without having to turn to some electrical source that tells you what is wrong and right. For me, I enjoy having fun while tripping and at the same time using it as a way to help me get the negative thoughts out that I've been repressing.

What I normally do is pick a few good colorful movies to watch that get your senses going. Normally I will watch kids animated movies, but most recently I watched the movie "Baby Driver" which was a very good movie. As you watch the movie you are able to respect how much effort the director put into making the music in the movie match every single action that each actor does in the movie.

After the fun is over, at the end of the night is when my break happens. After my friends leave I will burst into tears about every single thing that has been wrong. I'll cry for several minutes and laugh and feel like an exploding time bomb except with tears instead of anger. You get an almost new appreciation for everything around you. It opens up your eyes and shows you what you've been missing all along.

Of course, there are some people who state they experienced LSD and had negative violent effects. That can be due to a couple of different things. The person could have been having a bad trip, they have a lot of demons in their head they need help working through, or it's not real LSD. This is why you always want to make sure you know exactly what you are taking.

I encourage every single person who has negative feelings about psychedelics to do more research. Read the studies done by these researchers, look at what groundwork we can break when it comes to treating mental health, and look at the positive effects. Stop paying attention to the one-off scenarios. There are going to be people who abuse any substance no matter what it is. We can't punish those who have the ability to live a more fulfilling with help from alternative medicines.



**Helpful Links***
Psychedelics and Mental Health: A Population Study
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3747247/

Lysergic acid diethylamide for alcoholism: meta-analysis of randomized controlled traits.
http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0269881112439253

Rodrigo Nino
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/cancer-patient-psychedelic-drugs-ayahuasca-lsd-mdma-mushroom-death-fear-help-end-life-anxiety-a7726611.html

Psychosis improves mental health 
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/lsd-paradoxical-effects_us_56c1f74de4b0c3c55051f453

Lost in your own body

I have no idea who it is that I see in the mirror anymore.
I keep on trying to live in this strange limbo where I feel half trapped in the present, and half constantly preparing for my future.

It's so hard to keep remembering that I'm 21 years old. I look at these old pictures of myself from a year ago and I can't even recognize myself anymore. I have such a hard time communicating with people that I want to remain friends with because maybe I just haven't changed. I remember always talking about growing up, and now where at that place in our lives we thought we prepared ourselves for.

I don't think I prepared myself to lose myself. I didn't prepare myself to feel so empty and lifeless. To simply wander around not knowing which is the right direction to take. I'm 21 years old and still needing my parents help. I like to pretend that I'm an independent person. That I have everything under control. The truth is that I really don't have everything under control. Everything is a fabricated mess. I'm constantly trying to dig myself out of this deep pit I've crawled into, and it just seems to be getting deeper everyday.

It gets to the point where you have to ask yourself, "What really is the point of all of this"? You keep pushing forward and fighting but what are we fighting for?

I feel so stuck in time. Everyone around me is living in homes, having children, getting financially set, and I'm still trying to struggle how to afford food. I used to pride myself on being on top of things. I was always one step ahead of the game. Now I keep pushing things off to the last second because I'm so afraid to do them.

Tomorrow I'm going to apply for graduation for my associates. Tomorrow I'm going to apply to a University to transfer too. I don't feel ready for this. I feel like I'm simply doing the actions that are expected but I'm not mentally there.

I keep thinking, "What am I going to do with these degrees"? I'm scared as it is to walk around my own work-place now in a call center. Is it possible that I could really be a therapist, and be able to help others? I feel like I've screwed up all my chances with school. I feel like I'm so far behind everyone else.

I remember always constantly being able to have a friend to talk too. There were so many nights I laid awake playing games on the computer and just talking on the phone with someone. I know things change as we get older, but I feel so lonely and out of touch with everyone.

I'm so tired of running and tired of hurting. I don't know how much more I can handle at this point.

What it feels to love

Everyday I look at the dry erase board and see my name and your last name put together and I fall even more. I can't believe that we're together almost a year now. It feels so absolutely wonderful to be with my best friend after about three years of memories.

You've always protected me. You've always been there for me every single night. It's crazy to me how quickly things change.

I've never been able to connect with someone like you before. You're so patient with me and so kind. I never want to drift apart from you.

❤️

The feeling of lonliness

Recently I can't help but feel like people don't care for me too much. I have always been more of an introvert person. I tend to keep to myself, and I tend to be a quiet person unless spoken too. At my last job, I always had someone to talk too. I was surrounded by people I considered friends or at least strong acquaintances. I don't feel like I have that here.

I thought I did but then that person stopped talking to me. They talk to me sometimes, and we eat at the same table at lunch but that's it. I shouldn't feel bad. I just don't have anything to say. However, I do feel bad. Its nice to have face to face communication during downtime in the work place. 

I'm not good at making new friends. I'm barely good at keeping up with my current friends;I rarely leave the house out of pure choice;I'm terrified everyone secretly hates me. I just wish people would look past these things and maybe they would be willing to get to know me. 

Trying to stay strong and push through. I just hope I'm able to make at least one friend at this job..

Becoming A Better Me

I've struggled with body image ever since I was 10 years old. I was always worried people wouldn't like me because I wasn't super skinny and flawless. Throughout high school, I was so set on just losing weight just to lose weight. I wasn't focused on the health aspect of it.

Today at the age of 21 I don't fall for these fad diets. I don't try to starve myself because I'm scared of gaining a bunch of weight. I don't run every single day until I pass out of exhaustion. Today, I stand here before you with a goal of not just losing weight, but becoming a stronger person who is more in touch with their body.

When I moved out of my parent's house the second time around, I ended up gaining a lot of weight. As a kid, going out to eat was a luxury that I rarely got to enjoy. So as an adult, I went out to eat all of the time. You can only imagine how much weight you put on with living up the road from a Wendy's and enough money to splurge. I was absolutely disgusted by my own appearance. I couldn't stand to look in the mirror. I was terrified of ever leaving the house in my own clothes because I didn't want people to see how much weight I've gained.

I used to tell myself it was impossible to lose weight without getting on a treadmill and killing myself for thirty minutes a day. This was the biggest reason I never worked out was that the treadmill did such a toll on me it was hard to breathe, I had major headaches afterward, and I didn't enjoy spending thirty minutes of my time struggling.

The other depressing part about gaining weight is feeling so tired and held down all of the time. I was in constant pain just doing basic household chores. It became so bad I just got lazy instead.  What I found out was taking a little bit of time out of your day to do strength training helps so much.

What I have been doing is just using basic workout apps on my phone for 10-15 minutes a day. I typically target my stomach as that is where most of my weight went. The apps I typically use are the Daily ABS Lumowell app and the 30-day fitness challenge app. They both will give you different options for what you are wanting to target. Lumowell has an app for different parts of your body. You still get tired out, but you feel so much better the next day.

I noticed small changes from my thighs, my spine, and even my stomach. I started to feel better in my shoulders and I feel a little muscle on my arms now. I don't get as tired as much and I am able to get my household chores done!

The newest thing I have been doing to help get more in-touch with my body is bellydancing. It's very fun to do, and it helps you loosen up your whole body and really makes you feel in touch with all of your muscles.

Am I still overweight? Of course. I'm at that awkward in-between phase. I wear an XL and a Large yet I don't feel like a super big girl. However, I feel like I'm not only losing weight but I'm strengthing my body overall and its such a good feeling.

My best advice to anyone that is struggling is to love and respect your body. If you look in the mirror and feel absolutely disgusted with yourself on a daily basis, try baby steps to work on yourself day by day. Some days you won't want to work out and that's OKAY. You have to take breaks! Don't give up and keep pushing for a better you!

Steady Hands

Its been a few months since I've posted anything. I've debated back and forth when I should update, what I should say, should I include the negativity or only the positive things?

I've decided today to play catch-up with everything.

For several months, I've been struggling to figure out exactly what is best for myself, my future, and who I want included in my future. I fought with my boyfriend, I fought with myself, I fought with everyone and everything around me. I was terrified that I was going to be taken advantage of by everyone around me so I fought to stand my ground on my own beliefs.

Today, I can tell you that I'm still fighting but this time with a game plan. I got a new job I'm absolutely in-love with. I'm almost done with week four out of ten of training and I am constantly blown away. This is the best call-center job I've ever worked in my entire life. The people are so positive and happy coming into work, upper management cares about their employees, and the benefits are worth it. I now have life insurance, full health coverage, back-up health savings, and resources to help keep me on track of my career goals and financial goals.

My relationship with my boyfriend is stronger than ever with the right communication, and both of us working together as a team instead of simply two individuals. We both have our own issues sure, but this time we're both looking towards our futures and away from our pasts.

I'm starting to slowly reconnect with old friends who I feel valued by. Its a slow process, but I'm trying to communicate at least on a weekly basis. What inspired this? One day I got a notification from Facebook from a friend I haven't spoken too in a while just because I've been so caught up in my own stress. This notification was a post to my timeline saying how much of an impact I've had on her life, how she's so happy to have me as a friend, and how much she did miss me and wants to catch up. It made me so happy to know that even though I got distant, I was still one someone's mind wanting to know how I've been doing. I decided that I can no longer let stress keep me away from being around people.

I've started to look into my physical health more. I've been drinking more water, working out almost daily, and am trying to avoid over-eating when I'm bored or stressed out. I may still be a bigger girl in my eyes, but I feel stronger. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm going to keep moving forward.

I'm slowly working on my own mental health by not only educating myself, but also learning to accept how my brain looks at the world. I have to accept that I have borderline personality disorder and that there isn't anything wrong with that. Sure there are things I need to work on when it comes to my mood-swings, my relationships, and my mindset but these things will come with practice and time. I'm going to start going back to therapy once my health insurance kicks in.

I've decided that I can no longer mess around when it comes to my schooling. I have to put my job and my school first in order to be successful. I can't keep falling behind in my life. I'm 21 years old now and I don't want to be thirty years old still trying to figure out what's going on. This semester is my last semester to get my associates of arts degree. After that, I get to move on to get my bachelors. I want to make sure I make a good impression so that once I get my degree, I will be able to use it the way I want too.

The last thing I'm trying to work on is letting my past go. There are many people from my past I would love to hold onto, and keep in contact with. There are many memories that I would like to forget, and sometimes there are things I wish I could remember more about. Sometimes I end up living more in the past than I do in the present. I can't keep doing that anymore to myself. I've been able to work on letting old memories stay in the past but the biggest struggle I am having is letting go of people.

You know who you are. I hate that we are no longer friends. I hate myself that I follow you on social media but I'm too scared to message you to see if you still hate me or how you're doing. All I can do is sit back and hope for the best. Everyone tells me I don't need you in my life, but how can you let go of someone who you used to talk to every single night at 7:00pm? I miss those nights. A lot of time when I'm at home alone, I think about how if we were still talking I'd be able to call you and we could catch-up and talk for hours again. I miss that a lot. You've given me a lot of advice over the years and a lot of good and bad memories. I miss you so fucking much B. I don't know if you still think of me, or if you read my blog at all. If you do, I miss you. 

That is what I've been up too. I'll do my best to post more later on. Thank you for your time.

And it all comes crumbling down

Who knew what a tiny little pill could do?


Who knew how hard a lie could hit?


Who knew how quick a heart can shatter?


Who knew what you could do?






The tower came crumbling down


Brick by brick and stone by stone


When the walls are down


You have no guard, you're all alone






Who knew how long 48 hours can last?


Who knew how quick emotions can shift?


Who knew what a few pills could do?


Who knew how quickly the water fades to red?




My world came crumbling down


Piece by piece, memory by memory


Turn from bright colors to cloudy skies


Unable to tell what is reality.

I know you're reading my posts.

I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, but when you've had someone in your life for so many years its hard to imagine not having them there anymore.


Why? Because your distant. Because your trying new things. Because your mentally unstable and sometimes things just don't seem to go right. Because you don't ask the right questions. Because you don't show you care in the right ways. Because no one knows how you feel unless you tell them.


I guess that can sum it all up.


Don't worry, I've read yours as well and I hope you're doing alright. I hope you're safe. I hope your relationship is going well. I hope your work is going well. I hope that your somewhat happy with how things are going for you. I know the death of your furry family broke your heart a bit, and I'm sorry for your loss. I still hope you're doing well..


I hope you know I will always care.
It sucks losing someone you called your best-friend.
It sucks throwing away..what? 6,7,8 years of friendship.
It sucks that I care still.


I know you blocked me on Facebook because I searched for you.
I know you unblocked me on Facebook not too long after I searched for your name.
I don't know if you knew somehow I was reaching out, or if it was just a coincidence.


I hope someday we can speak again. I know its a long shot.


I hope you're doing well.

I feel like the luckiest person

April has been a hell of a month. My boyfriend got a new job yesterday, but doesn't start until the second week of May. I've been super behind because I've had a lack of funds and I'm bad at budgeting. Unfortunately, I've had to get a pay-day loan in order to keep from going negative in my bank account. On the plus side though, yesterday my work gave me a check for 956.00 due to unpaid overtime for the last two years!! I almost cried when the woman handed it to me.


I'm going to get caught up on my utilities and put money back just as a precaution. Things are starting to look up. My boyfriend is going up to the temp agency here in town Monday to get something to bring in some sort of income for the month of April. We're both super excited to get things on the right track again!!


Once he starts working, I'm hoping he can bring in enough to help out with more than just rent so I can focus on getting my bills paid off. I know some people don't like to admit their debt, but I don't see the issue. I'm in a lot of debt. I owe different credit card companies, I owe the hospital, I owe a loan place, and I owe my previous apartment. Its a lot of different expenses that can basically amount to about 5000.00. Its not a large amount of debt to some people, but to me its a large amount that I can't dig out of just yet. So far, we've been playing the avoidance game until I can pay something.


The reason I'm so much in debt isn't because my 21 year old brain got the best of me. Its very simple. Never give an 18 year old a credit card. Ever. You don't understand how much money you can rack up in a short amount of time. You forget that monthly payments go up the more you owe, and the more you owe the harder it is to pay back. One credit card was used to spoil my nieces, and one was used as survival because I decided I wanted to try to switch to a completely new job. This was an absolutely horrible idea. I don't think I'll leave the Call Center life until I can start on my career.


I feel like this is a second chance though. This money isn't used for pleasure. Now I'll be honest, I have used some of it already to treat myself. Why not? I deserve some nice things too. However the majority is going to bills and savings until my boyfriend can bring in some money.


I'm blessed to be given this chance. I won't blow it.

Where am I going?

I've finally figured out everything for school as mentioned in my last post, but I wanted to give the topic its own post.


I'm excited to say that I will have my associates when I graduate in the fall, and that my wonderful boyfriend will be graduating with me if everything works out good on his end.


After that, we're both planning on moving towards our under-graduates here at a local university and getting our masters as well. I'm thrilled at the direction we're both going.


Over the summer I plan on staying clean from everything to volunteer during the Fall semester at the domestic violence center here in town, and then hopefully being able to intern through them once I get my associates.


Its not only my future that I'm proud of but my boyfriends as well. When I first met him, he was completely different. He was a much more wild type of person, and now he's a much more calmer person.


He used to not care about his future or what he was going to do and now he's going back to school for something he enjoys doing. He wants to go into Stage Production which would suit him nicely.


Tomorrow we're going to re-apply him for the community college here and get him signed back up for the Fall.


I can't wait to see how things progress.


<3.

I can't even look in the mirror

My life isn't a bad one.
I have my school situation figured out.
I have a great boyfriend who does everything he can to take care of me.
My apartment looks like a mysterious forest just like I've always wanted.


However I can't look myself in the mirror.
I can't look at myself naked anymore in the shower without feeling guilt.
I feel guilty every time I eat.
I don't shop for clothes anymore.
I stopped trying to be cute and switched to covering up as much of my body as possible.


I thought getting my hair done would make myself feel better but it doesn't.
I think taking more photos of myself would help me but it doesn't.
I thought if I tried to accept my body the way it is I'd feel better but I don't.


I hate feeling depressed over something that is superficial, but how can I be truly happy if I can't even look in the mirror without feeling guilt?


I did this. No one else did this.
I chose to eat out all of the time.
I chose to not work out anymore because I was scared.
This is all my fault.
How can you not feel guilty when you know you're the one that caused your own suffering?


Starting today we're going shopping to eat better. No more fast food.
Starting today I'm going to use the gym at my complex and run until I can't anymore.
I have to get better for the summer. I want to be happy with myself.


The guilt isn't going away.
The depression isn't fading.
Something has to change.


That change starts today.

Letting Go

Its time to put my past to rest, and to finally learn to accept the things that have happened in my life.
There are certain people that will always remain with me on my journey without this life.
To those, I would like to thank you for being here with me. Even if we've had our rough times, we've watched each other grow into the adults we are today.


For those of you who are no longer with me in my life, I hope that you are enjoying yours. I hope that you have wonderful experiences, and I hope that the impact I have made on your life is not a negative one. For those of you who I have impacted negatively, I hope you are able to one day forgive me as well.


There have been a lot of secrets in my past that I am finally willing to put to rest. There have been people who have caused a large negative impact on my life, but the best course of action is to accept and move on.


It's the time of letting go.


A new day is ahead of us!

Its always fun being tipsy

Last night was more of a wine and video game night. It was absolutely incredible. We both sat around and did nothing but just play our favorite games for three hours. It's so nice to live in a clean apartment now. Derek cleaned the entire apartment while I was at work, and it looks incredible. I love our little home. We did a forest theme, and I'm wanting the rest of the apartment to look like a forest as well.


That is my next goal for my home. We're going to get the laundry caught up and look into getting a dining set. Derek wants a specific type of dining set so we will find the perfect one. After that, we need to Derek the home a bit more. I want to get more tree lamps as well as other little things to give it a nice theme. It feels like an actual home almost!!


This is the first time I've been on my own that I actually feel things are going well. I'm not constantly hating my life when I go home, I feel relaxed, and its inviting. We always have some sort of smell going on in the home that right when you walk in the door there is a nice fruity smell.


He is the first person I can actually say has truly provided me a constant stable environment. We're able to have fun and be safe at home. I'm always in a hurry to get home just so I can spend more time with him. (:


No matter what, I know I'm always safe in his arms. ♥

Eight Months Strong!

Today marks the official day that Derek and I have been together for eight months. Its one of the most wonderful feelings in the world to wake up next to someone, and be in absolute bliss just because of their body laying their next to yours.


He has been a wonderful help throughout the amount of time I've known him. We've known each other for about three years now. He's been one of my best friends. He's always done his best to be there in his own way. Every single night he has always called me just to make sure I was alright. Because of the popularity of texting, most people don't call anymore. However, he didn't like to text so instead we always talked over the phone.


He has been the one person I have been able to tell anything too, and feel perfectly comfortable with. He has never judged me for any of my actions, and he is okay with the fact that I am a work in progress. He has read my journals and understood a lot of my struggles that even my closest girl friends never understood.


Throughout the Summer of 2016 we decided to test the waters. We never made it official until August 17th, but we did everything a couple would typically do. The connection was strong, but we were both terrified at what could happen. Neither of us wanted our friendship to be hurt, and neither of us wanted to get hurt. However, after everything on August 17th in the evening we made it official.


Things weren't perfect at first, but they weren't by at all means bad either. We were learning how to work as a couple, and how to understand each others different worlds. We've both been able to grow with each other and mold ourselves into the adults we are today. Sure we still have a lot to learn since we're both in our early twenties, but every day is going to be a new day full of adventure.


To this day, I can't imagine myself without him. He is my other half. I feel this deep connection that I haven't felt before, and while it scares me I have come to accept it. I'm completely head over heels for this man, and am absolutely in-love with him.


He has brought experiences into my life that are hard to put into words. I've felt new sensations I've never felt before. I got to see the world in a whole new way, and he has also introduced me into the city life. He took my to my first rave on March 4th and absolutely blew my mind.


Not only did I get to experience the feeling of letting go, but I was also able to experience this with him. He held me tightly throughout random points in the night as we both screamed our hearts out and danced the night away. He always made sure that I was in good hands. Everyone there had a good positive feel to them. This experience has changed my mind about the city life.


He has introduced me to such an exciting life, and I have introduced him to the life of calmness. The life of sitting at home (even on a Friday night!) and just watching Netflix. He isn't so crazy and reckless anymore. We both found peace and a liking to each others worlds. To this day, we have a good balance between the two.


No one is perfect. We both have our own issues that we are working towards, but we are working towards them together.


And that, is what makes this journey truly special.

Understanding Your Purpose

Everyone has a lot to work on. I know that I have my own flaws. The biggest thing for me right now is learning to control my own emotions. It's hard on multiple levels. I can always feel it when I'm about to explode and I need to leave the situation. I'm also trying to balance my emotional side and my logical side. So far, things have been getting slowly better.

I've been seeing a therapist again. So far everything seems like it's going okay. She seems to understand a lot of my issues and helps me break it down into more realistic ideas. It seems to help on some level. Right now I have a lot of energy that I need to get rid of, and I'm hoping she can help me eventually balance my energy.

I'm not sure what is going on with me. All I want to do is adventure, and just go and explore. After going to the city, I really want to go back. I think we're going to plan a vacation for our yearly anniversary. It would be nice to just take a break from our daily lives, and spend it with each other just having a great time every single night. I still have to go to a bar for the first time!

Things are still progressing in a positive manner. I just need to learn to calm down and understand what is real and what is not. That our brains tend to make up things in different situations. I also just need to try to meditate and I'm sure that would help!

A New Beginning

I was thinking about rather or not I wanted to start blogging again. I thought about all of the pros and the cons of what could happen. What if someone reads it that I don't want too? What if I get triggered by bad flash-backs three months from now? Maybe its time I start blogging again to at least have a nice safe spot. Maybe it will help me get things off my mind.


To start, life has been fantastic. My boyfriend and I got our own apartment together. He's working at a Panera being a little bread elf, and I ended up back at my old call center job. We have two cats together, and our apartment theme is the mysterious forest. God I wish I had a picture to post. I'm in love with our living room. That is the only part of the apartment we have completely done. We're still dealing with each others quirks, but we're doing great. This month its going to be 8 months. He's calmed down a lot so all we do now a days is sit at home, smoke, and watch Netflix. Smoking green helps my anxiety and my stomach issues.


My niece on the other hand took a downward spiral. She's still at the same steak n shake she's always been at. She fell into the wrong crowd. My boyfriend and I tried to pull her out of it, but she was far too gone to listen to us. They have her working so many hours she was even there two days in a row. By two days in a row, I mean she never even left the store. Her boyfriend is into meth. She denies it, but its obvious. She has to take pain killers because she unloads both morning and evening trucks. I've told her to find a new job that treats her better. She blew an interview at a gas station. She says she's working on finding a new job, but never actually does. She's living with one of her friends, and pays around 200 to share a bedroom. She doesn't have a car anymore because these so called "friends" were supposed to fix it. She's so far gone I can't even be around her anymore.


I've gotten to experience a different sort of life. I wouldn't say the party life as I still find it strange people enjoy getting fucked up in the company of a bunch of people they don't know in a place they aren't familiar with. I went to my first rave in the city. Sure I went to a couple of small shows in Springfield, but those were nothing compared to seeing SaidTheSky and Illenium in Kansas City. At first I was nervous. I've never been in a city before, and I was absolutely terrified of what could happen. It was life changing. I was completely sober while we were there, and I fell in love with the music, the people, the atmosphere. I fell in love with this side of life. I was able to just let loose and feel free. I was able to scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs and dance how I wanted without worrying about others. Everyone was okay with everything. Hell even someone from the show added me on Facebook. I didn't know them at all, but I thought it was nice how friendly everyone was with each other. It was much better compared to being in Springfield. This experience made me want to actually venture out in the world some more. My boyfriend and I are already planning what shows to go to in the Summer and he's decided we are going to Backwoods in 2018. Its a music festival.


School is going surprisingly well. I'm still deciding on what I want my actual job to be once I graduate. I keep going back and forth between topics. Half of me wants to get into law and half of me wants to continue on the path to be a psychologist. As far as my progress goes, I should have my associates in December, and my boyfriend is also finishing his associates in December as well. He's going for engineering. He wants to be in stage production someday and organize festivals. Its a real job so I am supportive. I'm unsure of what I'm going to do when I graduate, but I just know that I need to move towards my goal.


Regarding my physical health, I've gained weight. In-fact, I hate how much weight I've gained. I need to start working out, but every time I get a plan I fall back on it. I need to make it my goal to start running again. If I can get into shape before the summer, I'd be so happy. My boyfriend says he loves my body, but I can't love my own body so why should he? As silly as it sounds, I want to be able to wear tight clothes and short skirts. I want to be able to comfortably go out in a bathing suit. I want to be able to look in the mirror naked and be happy with who I see. I can't do that right now.


Emotionally its hard to describe. With my BPD it comes in waves. I've now met two people who also have BPD and have told me the same thing. It will get worse. I started going to therapy again, and my next appointment is Wednesday. I don't know if she can help me, but I am willing to let her try. I am seeing a doctor as well to get on some medication to help me sleep. I'll get into details on that later. Personally, I think I'm doing okay emotionally. My Mom has finally stopped blaming Jesus and started doing research on my mental disorder. She Is slowly trying to understand it. I'm trying to understand it myself. Its hard though to admit that you're the problem. That the reason for everyone leaving is you. I think back to all my friends and I ask myself how different my life would be if they were still here? If my Vacation two summers ago went better? If I never gave my attention to certain people and focused on the ones I already have around me? If I would've known the truth about how people felt about me sooner that way I could focus on those that actually want me around? There are so many possibilities, but this is reality and I have chosen my path already. You can't go back in time no matter what you do.


Let me explain my sleep problems. I know it sounds crazy, but there is something strange in my apartment. We moved to a new complex, and this one is a bit older. It doesn't have anything fancy like a built-in microwave or a brand new dish-washer. Its still cozy though which is why we chose it. I constantly feel someone is watching me in my bed-room. I've seen the shadows along the walls. I can almost feel someone's hands creep up my legs when I'm laying down. The one thing that did freak me out though was the day I went to check on my boyfriend since he was cleaning the kitchen. I came up to him, and he jumped back. He said a man appeared behind me and had his arm wrapped around me. I'm having one of my friends come over sometime and feel out my apartment. Something has to be done. The only thing that helps now is to take something to knock me out. I'm hoping I can just get the doctor to prescribe me Trazadone for my PTSD.


I've been getting lost in my head a lot. I think about my past and god I wish I could change it. I wish I could ask so many questions, and I wish I could help the people that I've hurt. I know that I can't, and most people probably forgot about me anyways. Its always for the best. However, I hate things not having an ending too them. Its one thing when a friendship ends because of some strange circumstance and you say goodbye to each other, but its another when there isn't a goodbye. There isn't a "I hope you enjoy your life" there is nothing. I've gotten to ask people why they've done the things they did to me, and I've come up with the same hurtful answer. It's all because they could. People do things simply because they know they can. There isn't any complicated reason. Its not because their parents were mean to them as a kid or because I've upset them. Its because they could so they did.


Regarding past friendships, there isn't really any answer to give. People grow up and move on with their lives. We stop doing the things we did as kids. We stop spending hours on the phone because we have other people to talk to now. We stop playing games together because we'd rather spend time with those that are closer to us. We stop wanting to be spontaneous because most adventures cost money even if its only gas money. Things start to die down. I still have other friends sure, but I rarely see them. I don't get to go out and do exciting things every day anymore. Hell the only thing exciting I've done other than the show in KC is go out to eat. I miss the excitement and I miss those moments as a kid.


My childhood was lonely and it wasn't lonely all at the same time. Most of my friends were online, sure, but they were real people too. It wasn't just a voice over the phone, but a real human being with feelings. I would always be excited to come out and jump on MSN, or call my best friend at the time. I would spend hours on the phone and on the computer just talking. We'd talk about everything from video-games to boys to new movies to just about anything we could think about. I was never alone. I kept my secrets just like I always have done, but I wasn't ever alone. My boyfriend and I share that special bond. We don't fight. We might bicker, but we can't stay mad at each other for more than 25 minutes. The longest was an hour. Which is always nice but at the same time men think differently than women. Its a proven fact. Their brains process things differently. I get lost in my past a lot. I miss certain parts and I wish I could change others. Maybe if I never did the things I did as a child, I would've turned into a normal adult.

I get lost a lot in the sea of "What if's" and sometimes forget to focus on the present. I'm 21 years old now and I plan to enjoy my twenties the best possible way I can. I'm going to discover my true self as time goes, and I want to find my true happiness within myself and not just within another person. That is the beauty of my situation right now. While I do have a significant other that I love and cherish dearly, I don't need to rely on him. I don't have to walk on egg-shells around him. I can be open with him just like I've always been. We're two different people trying to discover what exactly it is we want from life.


~ Thanks for taking the time to read this.