Its been a few months since I've posted anything. I've debated back and forth when I should update, what I should say, should I include the negativity or only the positive things?
I've decided today to play catch-up with everything.
For several months, I've been struggling to figure out exactly what is best for myself, my future, and who I want included in my future. I fought with my boyfriend, I fought with myself, I fought with everyone and everything around me. I was terrified that I was going to be taken advantage of by everyone around me so I fought to stand my ground on my own beliefs.
Today, I can tell you that I'm still fighting but this time with a game plan. I got a new job I'm absolutely in-love with. I'm almost done with week four out of ten of training and I am constantly blown away. This is the best call-center job I've ever worked in my entire life. The people are so positive and happy coming into work, upper management cares about their employees, and the benefits are worth it. I now have life insurance, full health coverage, back-up health savings, and resources to help keep me on track of my career goals and financial goals.
My relationship with my boyfriend is stronger than ever with the right communication, and both of us working together as a team instead of simply two individuals. We both have our own issues sure, but this time we're both looking towards our futures and away from our pasts.
I'm starting to slowly reconnect with old friends who I feel valued by. Its a slow process, but I'm trying to communicate at least on a weekly basis. What inspired this? One day I got a notification from Facebook from a friend I haven't spoken too in a while just because I've been so caught up in my own stress. This notification was a post to my timeline saying how much of an impact I've had on her life, how she's so happy to have me as a friend, and how much she did miss me and wants to catch up. It made me so happy to know that even though I got distant, I was still one someone's mind wanting to know how I've been doing. I decided that I can no longer let stress keep me away from being around people.
I've started to look into my physical health more. I've been drinking more water, working out almost daily, and am trying to avoid over-eating when I'm bored or stressed out. I may still be a bigger girl in my eyes, but I feel stronger. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm going to keep moving forward.
I'm slowly working on my own mental health by not only educating myself, but also learning to accept how my brain looks at the world. I have to accept that I have borderline personality disorder and that there isn't anything wrong with that. Sure there are things I need to work on when it comes to my mood-swings, my relationships, and my mindset but these things will come with practice and time. I'm going to start going back to therapy once my health insurance kicks in.
I've decided that I can no longer mess around when it comes to my schooling. I have to put my job and my school first in order to be successful. I can't keep falling behind in my life. I'm 21 years old now and I don't want to be thirty years old still trying to figure out what's going on. This semester is my last semester to get my associates of arts degree. After that, I get to move on to get my bachelors. I want to make sure I make a good impression so that once I get my degree, I will be able to use it the way I want too.
The last thing I'm trying to work on is letting my past go. There are many people from my past I would love to hold onto, and keep in contact with. There are many memories that I would like to forget, and sometimes there are things I wish I could remember more about. Sometimes I end up living more in the past than I do in the present. I can't keep doing that anymore to myself. I've been able to work on letting old memories stay in the past but the biggest struggle I am having is letting go of people.
You know who you are. I hate that we are no longer friends. I hate myself that I follow you on social media but I'm too scared to message you to see if you still hate me or how you're doing. All I can do is sit back and hope for the best. Everyone tells me I don't need you in my life, but how can you let go of someone who you used to talk to every single night at 7:00pm? I miss those nights. A lot of time when I'm at home alone, I think about how if we were still talking I'd be able to call you and we could catch-up and talk for hours again. I miss that a lot. You've given me a lot of advice over the years and a lot of good and bad memories. I miss you so fucking much B. I don't know if you still think of me, or if you read my blog at all. If you do, I miss you.
That is what I've been up too. I'll do my best to post more later on. Thank you for your time.
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