I wish i could feel nothing.
I feel like everyday I'm one step closer to snapping.
I do a pretty good job and disguising it as angst.
Im just so tired of feeling so awful at everything in my life.
I just want it all to stop and I can't even put into words hardly how to explain what's going on inside my head.
I just want the pain to stop. Please. That's all I'm asking for is the ache to stop.
I feel like I'm exhausted all the time. I feel like everyone is getting done with me. I don't understand what to do. If I don't talk about my feelings then I get in trouble. I talk about my feelings, people think I'm self absorbed. It's like I can't win.
I feel like everyone is mad at me. I'm doing my best to keep level headed and everything I do is wrong. I don't know why everyone turns so shocked when they hear things about wishing for death. No matter how hard I try I guess I'm a fuck up.
I think my friends are mad at me. I've been distant trying to hold my own shit together and I don't think they understand. I don't even want to talk to my own boyfriend sometimes Im so busy. I'll be better once break starts next week but won't it be too late by then?
She's coming in January. November literally disappeared. We're on the edge of being here to January. I just want her happy. What if shes mad at me and January rolls around? Tickets already bought so no going back.. But just what if..?
I'm heart broken and trying not to let it bother me.. I'm trying to be happy. If I'm not careful I'll cut again.. I already fucked up once I'm trying not to do it again..
Maybe I just don't need to be here? I don't know..
I don't know how I feel. My thoughts racing a million miles a second. It's like I undercovered a facade of stability. The truth in reality. I could feel my heart sinking and asking myself, where is my place in this world? What am I here for? Will I ever grow up and change? Is there more than just work, come home, and repeat?
Is there more to life?
I study and get real close, but I feel so far away. What is it all for?
All I can think about is filth. I feel the sweat on my palms like I've been digging in the dirt. My heart feels heavy and my mind is confused.
I don't know who I am anymore. I just want to feel like I have a purpose.
I don't know what will make me happy?
Marriage? A family? A career? A degree?
What will it all matter?
What will anyone remeber me by at the end of the day?
I want to be remembered for something. I don't want my name to die and that's it. I want my name to mean something great. I want to be able to say I accomplished something while I was here.
I don't want to just study and play and work. I want to be acknowledged. I want the people around me to support my empowerment. I don't want to feel alone.
I feel so powerless and confused. Like a bird, trapped in a cage with the door wide open.
I just want to have a meaning other than I exist and walk on this earth fighting the same battle every day.
I want peace for everyone I love and peace for myself knowing I did something great to help people.
Let me ask you this;
do you tie yourself to a brick,
fall into the deep abyss
and feel like an endless void?
Or, do you let your insides
burst into flames feeling
your heart pounding away
as if about to implode?
Id rather let the air be ripped
from my lungs and my soul rest
Instead of being pillaged
by my own devotion
Everyone wonders how people can be so cruel, but doesn't think about what makes them that way.
I used to be so caring. I used to be so much nicer. I used to trust everyone and give people the benefit of doubt.
Every single person I've ever had close to me has hurt me. Every single one. Im at that point where I just don't care anymore.
Trust no one and assume everyone is going to disappoint you. It's for the best. This is why I've lost all respect for human life as a whole.
Why should I care anymore? I try so hard to be strong. I try so hard to keep the peace and stand up for myself. It gets me no where.
I want to cut again more than anything. I can't help but sit in the parking lot and all I can think about is that pain.
I'll never be able to fill this emptiness inside me. The money, the drugs, the alcohol, the success, none of it will ever make me feel whole. I've tried it all. I'm still stuck in this darkness, and all I can think of is how to prepare myself. For. The next time my heart gets fucking ripped out.
I don't know if I'll ever feel better. I dont know if I'm in a mood swing or not. I hate feeling this fucking pain all the time. My life is a giant whirlwind ready to destroy anything in its path. I wish I had someone close to me that understood. No one wants to read on it no one wants to study it. I love studying though, so I can't be mad I guess.
I don't know anymore. I'm just upset and want it to stop.
I've had my heart broken several times in many different ways. Ive been led on, lied to, cheated on, and pushed away. I've lost friends and partners whom I thought I wouldn't need to worry about.
Let me tell you, that's not the worse pain in the world. What's worse is someone who you've bent over backwards for makes you fall in love and throws you off a cliff.
Close your eyes and picture this. You think you got the guy. You sleep together. Have sex together. Eat dinner together. Watch movies and cuddle together. Have inside jokes and are never apart. Then our of no where they're holding hands and cuddling with some guy in front of you. Crawling into bed next to you. You say you love them and they won't say it back. They promise this guy meant nothing but then goes and chills behind your back.
What hurts worse than heart break is feeling like the person who you knew as a best friend, who called you every single night hurts you like you don't even matter.
What hurts even more is when things do get better, you do date, you have a wonderful relationship and no longer hang out with those negative people but yet you still have nightmares about the guy who ripped your heart out. You know he won't do it again, but even if you glue the plate back together it's still a little cracked.
I've done all the drugs except meth and heroin. Ive went through the alcohol phase. Nothing will ever let me forget. Nothing will erase this fucking nightmare from my mind because the only question circling around in my head is what the fuck did I do to deserve that?
You may ask, why don't you ask him? I did have and I can't dispute. He did it because he was scared. He was so scared of falling in love and getting hurt that he tried to push me away even though he didn't want too. How can I get mad at someone for doing something I've done many times to others before?
Tomorrow is our two year anniversary. We have two cats and rent a house together. We're going on our first mini vacation together in September for his birthday. Today we hardly ever argue and when we do we always work it out. He calls me every day I work on my lunch break. He holds me when I'm sad, angry, confused and scared. He kisses my forehead and calls me his angel. He is patient when I go into my little stage and have an episode. He calls me on his way home from work every night, and texts me where he's at if he has something to do right afterwards or if he's going to be late.
Its not that I haven't forgiven him but that won't make the nightmares go away. I know we're both madly in love. Even everyone else around us feels our energy together.
So what's worse than a heart break?
Having the same nightmare on repeat and realizing that no matter how great things are now, it doesn't change how a person once viewed you.
