Lost in your own body

I have no idea who it is that I see in the mirror anymore.
I keep on trying to live in this strange limbo where I feel half trapped in the present, and half constantly preparing for my future.

It's so hard to keep remembering that I'm 21 years old. I look at these old pictures of myself from a year ago and I can't even recognize myself anymore. I have such a hard time communicating with people that I want to remain friends with because maybe I just haven't changed. I remember always talking about growing up, and now where at that place in our lives we thought we prepared ourselves for.

I don't think I prepared myself to lose myself. I didn't prepare myself to feel so empty and lifeless. To simply wander around not knowing which is the right direction to take. I'm 21 years old and still needing my parents help. I like to pretend that I'm an independent person. That I have everything under control. The truth is that I really don't have everything under control. Everything is a fabricated mess. I'm constantly trying to dig myself out of this deep pit I've crawled into, and it just seems to be getting deeper everyday.

It gets to the point where you have to ask yourself, "What really is the point of all of this"? You keep pushing forward and fighting but what are we fighting for?

I feel so stuck in time. Everyone around me is living in homes, having children, getting financially set, and I'm still trying to struggle how to afford food. I used to pride myself on being on top of things. I was always one step ahead of the game. Now I keep pushing things off to the last second because I'm so afraid to do them.

Tomorrow I'm going to apply for graduation for my associates. Tomorrow I'm going to apply to a University to transfer too. I don't feel ready for this. I feel like I'm simply doing the actions that are expected but I'm not mentally there.

I keep thinking, "What am I going to do with these degrees"? I'm scared as it is to walk around my own work-place now in a call center. Is it possible that I could really be a therapist, and be able to help others? I feel like I've screwed up all my chances with school. I feel like I'm so far behind everyone else.

I remember always constantly being able to have a friend to talk too. There were so many nights I laid awake playing games on the computer and just talking on the phone with someone. I know things change as we get older, but I feel so lonely and out of touch with everyone.

I'm so tired of running and tired of hurting. I don't know how much more I can handle at this point.

What it feels to love

Everyday I look at the dry erase board and see my name and your last name put together and I fall even more. I can't believe that we're together almost a year now. It feels so absolutely wonderful to be with my best friend after about three years of memories.

You've always protected me. You've always been there for me every single night. It's crazy to me how quickly things change.

I've never been able to connect with someone like you before. You're so patient with me and so kind. I never want to drift apart from you.

❤️

The feeling of lonliness

Recently I can't help but feel like people don't care for me too much. I have always been more of an introvert person. I tend to keep to myself, and I tend to be a quiet person unless spoken too. At my last job, I always had someone to talk too. I was surrounded by people I considered friends or at least strong acquaintances. I don't feel like I have that here.

I thought I did but then that person stopped talking to me. They talk to me sometimes, and we eat at the same table at lunch but that's it. I shouldn't feel bad. I just don't have anything to say. However, I do feel bad. Its nice to have face to face communication during downtime in the work place. 

I'm not good at making new friends. I'm barely good at keeping up with my current friends;I rarely leave the house out of pure choice;I'm terrified everyone secretly hates me. I just wish people would look past these things and maybe they would be willing to get to know me. 

Trying to stay strong and push through. I just hope I'm able to make at least one friend at this job..