Things are hectic yet calm at the same time. I absolutely love my life right now. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I can't wait to marry someday, I have a job that truly cares about its individuals, and I still feel like I'm progressing somewhat in life.
Despite all of the good things, I feel my symptoms getting worse. I feel more physically violent, and impulsive. I have the strongest urge to self harm again, and I've been fighting it for a long time now. I've been dialing the same therapist office multiple times. I've never been so terrified of losing myself more than I am now.
The anger is what is causing a lot of problems. I truly want to be the best person I can be but I can't keep hurting the people I love and care about. I haven't been doing my part around the house, and I know that. I know I've been curling up and just ignoring all responsibilities. I've been so depressed and I'm trying to get out of that spell. I feel distant from everyone around me. I feel like I'm almost becoming a loner. I've been pushing away my friends more than often, and I'm not meaning too. For the most part, its because I work so much and I'm never home alone that when I have the opportunity to be alone I want to enjoy it.
I wouldn't say my depression is pushing me towards the suicidal end yet. I've had thoughts sure, but nothing serious enough that I'm worried. I'm afraid of it getting to that point. Every single time I let myself get that down, I end up in some sort of mental health facility. The fear that they lock you up forever is a complete joke. Everyone needs mental health treatment these days. They want you in, treated in about a week, and they want you out. They have people sitting in ER rooms waiting for a bed to become available. I know, I was one of those people. I had to sit in an ER room until 1-2AM waiting for a bed to become free.
I've thought about checking myself into a stabilization unit again just to put myself back in place. I just remember last time how much I hated the doctor. People there didn't seem to care as much as they should, but it was a great escape from reality. I think if you're going to help people in need, you might want to act like you care.
Right now I just want to be normal. I just want to be able to not have to worry about what kind of mood I'll have to try to tame that day. Some days I'll cry all day, some days I'm mad all day, some days I get physical. After a while you just get to the part where you want the pain to stop.
People will do everything they can to numb their emotions and I'm doing my best not to get to that point rather that be with drugs, sex, or just not caring anymore. I'm trying very hard not to go back into that state of mind because its hard to get out of. Its hard to ask for help when you don't feel like anyone understands enough to help you. I don't feel like I have any friends who I can call at 2am and just burst into tears and things would be okay. I miss having close friends, but I don't know if going back to old friendships would be a toxic thing to do or not. I'm at that point where I've never felt so alone in my life, but I don't know how to bring people close to me anymore.
