What's worse Than heart break

I've had my heart broken several times in many different ways. Ive been led on, lied to, cheated on, and pushed away. I've lost friends and partners whom I thought I wouldn't need to worry about.

Let me tell you, that's not the worse pain in the world. What's worse is someone who you've bent over backwards for makes you fall in love and throws you off a cliff.

Close your eyes and picture this. You think you got the guy. You sleep together. Have sex together. Eat dinner together. Watch movies and cuddle together. Have inside jokes and are never apart. Then our of no where they're holding hands and cuddling with some guy in front of you. Crawling into bed next to you. You say you love them and they won't say it back. They promise this guy meant nothing but then goes and chills behind your back.

What hurts worse than heart break is feeling like the person who you knew as a best friend, who called you every single night hurts you like you don't even matter.

What hurts even more is when things do get better, you do date, you have a wonderful relationship and no longer hang out with those negative people but yet you still have nightmares about the guy who ripped your heart out. You know he won't do it again, but even if you glue the plate back together it's still a little cracked.

I've done all the drugs except meth and heroin. Ive went through the alcohol phase. Nothing will ever let me forget. Nothing will erase this fucking nightmare from my mind because the only question circling around in my head is what the fuck did I do to deserve that?

You may ask, why don't you ask him? I did have and I can't dispute. He did it because he was scared. He was so scared of falling in love and getting hurt that he tried to push me away even though he didn't want too. How can I get mad at someone for doing something I've done many times to others before?

Tomorrow is our two year anniversary. We have two cats and rent a house together. We're going on our first mini vacation together in September for his birthday. Today we hardly ever argue and when we do we always work it out. He calls me every day I work on my lunch break. He holds me when I'm sad, angry, confused and scared. He kisses my forehead and calls me his angel. He is patient when I go into my little stage and have an episode. He calls me on his way home from work every night, and texts me where he's at if he has something to do right afterwards or if he's going to be late.

Its not that I haven't forgiven him but that won't make the nightmares go away. I know we're both madly in love. Even everyone else around us feels our energy together.

So what's worse than a heart break?

Having the same nightmare on repeat and realizing that no matter how great things are now, it doesn't change how a person once viewed you.

This is why I have trust issues

I have had one friend stick by me for most of my life. I've had other friends sure, but out of those people I talk to one person.

Let's talk about trust issues for a second. Do you know what it's like to have hard core abandonment issues? It's incredibly difficult. Imagine being in fear 24/7. That's what my life is life. Constant. Fear.

When I would try to get close to people they would end up leaving my life eventually. Sometimes we just got busy. Sometimes friendships fall apart. Sometimes people fight. It happens.

The ones it hurts are the ones that stay gone. The ones that realized their life is better off without you. Those are the ln s that fuck you up. Even my best friend has left me behind at times because of my mental issues. Sure she came back, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes. It makes me feel I have to be extra careful. Clarify things because I forget or make sure I don't say the wrong thing. It can be exhausting.

Would it have been a good idea to explain  my mental issues? Sure but you kind of give up when people don't read the books you send them.

I try so hard to keep people in my life. I try to play nice and be honest with people. Who doesn't want an honest friend? I guess a lot of people.

It's gotten to the point where it doesn't bother me to cut people off. It doesn't hurt as much. I have my best friend and I have my boyfriend. Yeah it sucks we live far away but at least I know that she will stand by me.