This is why I have trust issues

I have had one friend stick by me for most of my life. I've had other friends sure, but out of those people I talk to one person.

Let's talk about trust issues for a second. Do you know what it's like to have hard core abandonment issues? It's incredibly difficult. Imagine being in fear 24/7. That's what my life is life. Constant. Fear.

When I would try to get close to people they would end up leaving my life eventually. Sometimes we just got busy. Sometimes friendships fall apart. Sometimes people fight. It happens.

The ones it hurts are the ones that stay gone. The ones that realized their life is better off without you. Those are the ln s that fuck you up. Even my best friend has left me behind at times because of my mental issues. Sure she came back, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes. It makes me feel I have to be extra careful. Clarify things because I forget or make sure I don't say the wrong thing. It can be exhausting.

Would it have been a good idea to explain  my mental issues? Sure but you kind of give up when people don't read the books you send them.

I try so hard to keep people in my life. I try to play nice and be honest with people. Who doesn't want an honest friend? I guess a lot of people.

It's gotten to the point where it doesn't bother me to cut people off. It doesn't hurt as much. I have my best friend and I have my boyfriend. Yeah it sucks we live far away but at least I know that she will stand by me.