Exhaustion

I feel like I'm exhausted all the time. I feel like everyone is getting done with me. I don't understand what to do. If I don't talk about my feelings then I get in trouble. I talk about my feelings, people think I'm self absorbed. It's like I can't win.

I feel like everyone is mad at me. I'm doing my best to keep level headed and everything I do is wrong. I don't know why everyone turns so shocked when they hear things about wishing for death. No matter how hard I try I guess I'm a fuck up.

I think my friends are mad at me. I've been distant trying to hold my own shit together and I don't think they understand. I don't even want to talk to my own boyfriend sometimes Im so busy. I'll be better once break starts next week but won't it be too late by then?

She's coming in January. November literally disappeared. We're on the edge of being here to January. I just want her happy. What if shes mad at me and January rolls around? Tickets already bought so no going back.. But just what if..?

I'm heart broken and trying not to let it bother me.. I'm trying to be happy. If I'm not careful I'll cut again.. I already fucked up once I'm trying not to do it again..

Maybe I just don't need to be here? I don't know..

Halloween 2018

I don't know how I feel. My thoughts racing a million miles a second. It's like I undercovered a facade of stability. The truth in reality. I could feel my heart sinking and asking myself, where is my place in this world? What am I here for? Will I ever grow up and change? Is there more than just work, come home, and repeat?

Is there more to life?

I study and get real close, but I feel so far away. What is it all for?

All I can think about is filth. I feel the sweat on my palms like I've been digging in the dirt. My heart feels heavy and my mind is confused.

I don't know who I am anymore. I just want to feel like I have a purpose.

I don't know what will make me happy?

Marriage? A family? A career? A degree?

What will it all matter?

What will anyone remeber me by at the end of the day?

I want to be remembered for something. I don't want my name to die and that's it. I want my name to mean something great. I want to be able to say I accomplished something while I was here.

I don't want to just study and play and work. I want to be acknowledged. I want the people around me to support my empowerment. I don't want to feel alone.

I feel so powerless and confused. Like a bird, trapped in a cage with the door wide open.

I just want to have a meaning other than I exist and walk on this earth fighting the same battle every day.

I want peace for everyone I love and peace for myself knowing I did something great to help people.