Exhaustion

I feel like I'm exhausted all the time. I feel like everyone is getting done with me. I don't understand what to do. If I don't talk about my feelings then I get in trouble. I talk about my feelings, people think I'm self absorbed. It's like I can't win.

I feel like everyone is mad at me. I'm doing my best to keep level headed and everything I do is wrong. I don't know why everyone turns so shocked when they hear things about wishing for death. No matter how hard I try I guess I'm a fuck up.

I think my friends are mad at me. I've been distant trying to hold my own shit together and I don't think they understand. I don't even want to talk to my own boyfriend sometimes Im so busy. I'll be better once break starts next week but won't it be too late by then?

She's coming in January. November literally disappeared. We're on the edge of being here to January. I just want her happy. What if shes mad at me and January rolls around? Tickets already bought so no going back.. But just what if..?

I'm heart broken and trying not to let it bother me.. I'm trying to be happy. If I'm not careful I'll cut again.. I already fucked up once I'm trying not to do it again..

Maybe I just don't need to be here? I don't know..

Halloween 2018

I don't know how I feel. My thoughts racing a million miles a second. It's like I undercovered a facade of stability. The truth in reality. I could feel my heart sinking and asking myself, where is my place in this world? What am I here for? Will I ever grow up and change? Is there more than just work, come home, and repeat?

Is there more to life?

I study and get real close, but I feel so far away. What is it all for?

All I can think about is filth. I feel the sweat on my palms like I've been digging in the dirt. My heart feels heavy and my mind is confused.

I don't know who I am anymore. I just want to feel like I have a purpose.

I don't know what will make me happy?

Marriage? A family? A career? A degree?

What will it all matter?

What will anyone remeber me by at the end of the day?

I want to be remembered for something. I don't want my name to die and that's it. I want my name to mean something great. I want to be able to say I accomplished something while I was here.

I don't want to just study and play and work. I want to be acknowledged. I want the people around me to support my empowerment. I don't want to feel alone.

I feel so powerless and confused. Like a bird, trapped in a cage with the door wide open.

I just want to have a meaning other than I exist and walk on this earth fighting the same battle every day.

I want peace for everyone I love and peace for myself knowing I did something great to help people.

Sometimes she whispers

Let me ask you this;
do you tie yourself to a brick,
fall into the deep abyss
and feel like an endless void?

Or, do you let your insides
burst into flames feeling
your heart pounding away
as if about to implode?

Id rather let the air be ripped
from my lungs and my soul rest
Instead of being pillaged
by my own devotion

Caged Bird

Sinking deep into the cushion

Feeling trapped between iron bars

Traveling down, down the abyss 

Spinning 'round under pulsating lights

Facemelting 

Gasping for air

I'm drowning, drowning underneath" 

Begging for sweet release

Butterflies turn to knots

Irritation turns to resentment

Needing to run, run free

Firey soul deep inside, rapidly pounding

Prisoner to my own home

Counting the hours

Trying to escape, escape the night

Afraid of a door wide open

Darkness

Everyone wonders how people can be so cruel, but doesn't think about what makes them that way.

I used to be so caring. I used to be so much nicer. I used to trust everyone and give people the benefit of doubt.

Every single person I've ever had close to me has hurt me. Every single one. Im at that point where I just don't care anymore.

Trust no one and assume everyone is going to disappoint you. It's for the best. This is why I've lost all respect for human life as a whole.

Why should I care anymore? I try so hard to be strong. I try so hard to keep the peace and stand up for myself. It gets me no where.

I want to cut again more than anything. I can't help but sit in the parking lot and all I can think about is that pain.

I'll never be able to fill this emptiness inside me. The money, the drugs, the alcohol, the success, none of it will ever make me feel whole. I've tried it all. I'm still stuck in this darkness, and all I can think of is how to prepare myself. For. The next time my heart gets fucking ripped out.

I don't know if I'll ever feel better. I dont know if I'm in a mood swing or not. I hate feeling this fucking pain all the time. My life is a giant whirlwind ready to destroy anything in its path. I wish I had someone close to me that understood. No one wants to read on it no one wants to study it. I love studying though, so I can't be mad I guess.

I don't know anymore. I'm just upset and want it to stop.

What's worse Than heart break

I've had my heart broken several times in many different ways. Ive been led on, lied to, cheated on, and pushed away. I've lost friends and partners whom I thought I wouldn't need to worry about.

Let me tell you, that's not the worse pain in the world. What's worse is someone who you've bent over backwards for makes you fall in love and throws you off a cliff.

Close your eyes and picture this. You think you got the guy. You sleep together. Have sex together. Eat dinner together. Watch movies and cuddle together. Have inside jokes and are never apart. Then our of no where they're holding hands and cuddling with some guy in front of you. Crawling into bed next to you. You say you love them and they won't say it back. They promise this guy meant nothing but then goes and chills behind your back.

What hurts worse than heart break is feeling like the person who you knew as a best friend, who called you every single night hurts you like you don't even matter.

What hurts even more is when things do get better, you do date, you have a wonderful relationship and no longer hang out with those negative people but yet you still have nightmares about the guy who ripped your heart out. You know he won't do it again, but even if you glue the plate back together it's still a little cracked.

I've done all the drugs except meth and heroin. Ive went through the alcohol phase. Nothing will ever let me forget. Nothing will erase this fucking nightmare from my mind because the only question circling around in my head is what the fuck did I do to deserve that?

You may ask, why don't you ask him? I did have and I can't dispute. He did it because he was scared. He was so scared of falling in love and getting hurt that he tried to push me away even though he didn't want too. How can I get mad at someone for doing something I've done many times to others before?

Tomorrow is our two year anniversary. We have two cats and rent a house together. We're going on our first mini vacation together in September for his birthday. Today we hardly ever argue and when we do we always work it out. He calls me every day I work on my lunch break. He holds me when I'm sad, angry, confused and scared. He kisses my forehead and calls me his angel. He is patient when I go into my little stage and have an episode. He calls me on his way home from work every night, and texts me where he's at if he has something to do right afterwards or if he's going to be late.

Its not that I haven't forgiven him but that won't make the nightmares go away. I know we're both madly in love. Even everyone else around us feels our energy together.

So what's worse than a heart break?

Having the same nightmare on repeat and realizing that no matter how great things are now, it doesn't change how a person once viewed you.

This is why I have trust issues

I have had one friend stick by me for most of my life. I've had other friends sure, but out of those people I talk to one person.

Let's talk about trust issues for a second. Do you know what it's like to have hard core abandonment issues? It's incredibly difficult. Imagine being in fear 24/7. That's what my life is life. Constant. Fear.

When I would try to get close to people they would end up leaving my life eventually. Sometimes we just got busy. Sometimes friendships fall apart. Sometimes people fight. It happens.

The ones it hurts are the ones that stay gone. The ones that realized their life is better off without you. Those are the ln s that fuck you up. Even my best friend has left me behind at times because of my mental issues. Sure she came back, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes. It makes me feel I have to be extra careful. Clarify things because I forget or make sure I don't say the wrong thing. It can be exhausting.

Would it have been a good idea to explain  my mental issues? Sure but you kind of give up when people don't read the books you send them.

I try so hard to keep people in my life. I try to play nice and be honest with people. Who doesn't want an honest friend? I guess a lot of people.

It's gotten to the point where it doesn't bother me to cut people off. It doesn't hurt as much. I have my best friend and I have my boyfriend. Yeah it sucks we live far away but at least I know that she will stand by me.

I miss you

I miss you

I know that wont get me far

But I figured you should know

Everyday

I need to get this out somewhere. I hate holding in all my feelings like this..

Everyday is a fucking nightmare that you can't explain. I hate trying to explain my issues to others using the correct terms because it seems like I've researched it too much.

I've always been a believer in making constant progress. Im trying so hard to feel alive. I'm slowly talking to more people, getting out more, working out, therapy, reading, ect. I'm doing all the steps they tell you to do, but I still want to die on a daily basis.

Everyones argument about suicide is "its the easy way out." No shit. That's the whole point. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm tired of being paranoid and emotional. I'm tired of getting hurt by the people I love and care about most. I'm tired of having mental breakdowns and forgetting what happened during the break down. I'm tired of feeling so insenesly about everything. I'm tired of being tired.

You know what sucks? Losing people you care about because of stuff you're trying to control. I'm trying everything in my power to be good enough for everyone. It hurts my heart to see so many suicides in the media. It hurts to see how many people in the world are struggling. It also sucks to see everyone up in arms over how tragic suicide is but these are the same people that brush shit off.

You can't live for someone else. I've learned that over the years. If you're only alive to make another human happy, you won't be happy. I try everyday to find a new thing to live for. Somedays are harder than others.

Call it a mood swing but it is very frustrating that we care about these bit time celebs but we don't care about the people in our own town. We hear stories on the news even about those close to us and we may mourn their death, but what are we doing to prevent others from the same fate? I wish people actually cared enough to reach out to strangers or to do their own research.

Better off alone

It's funny, being asked if you ever felt like nothing mattered, that no one cares about you. It's funny because I feel like that on a daily basis yet I do my best to provide legit advice.

It's funny how people lecture you about not trusting others but they're usually the same people ready to hop up and leave.

It's funny how no matter how much I try to be a good friend I always get screwed in the end.

Sitting here, I shouldn't be as hurt as I am. I should be used to this by now. I'll never be good enough for anyone. No matter how many times I try to be better, it's never enough for anyone.

So tell me, what reason do I have to keep trying? The days go back and forth rather to stay here or not. Somedays I'm great, and somedays the world's ending. What do you do when no matter what you try, it's still not good enough for anyone around?

Old friends

It hurts when the people you hold closest to you don't see you the same way. It seems like anytime I try to continue a friendship along, something ends up happening. Am I just unlikeable? Am I too much for even a normal friendship to handle?

You know, even when you do everything you're supposed to do it's still not good enough. Going to therapy once a week, keeping a journal, getting on medication, practicing every day etc. It's all never good enough. I really miss having people close to me I can talk to.

A couple of days ago, I had a friend I really held close to my heart say we're not friends anymore. I can appreciate the honesty. I appreciate someone letting me know where we stand versus just up and disappearing. However, I'm very disappointed. It's incredibly hard for me to make new friends. Losing all of the ones I love really makes it hard. I refuse to stay where I'm not wanted. If you don't want me around? That's fine. I'd rather people be honest. The only thing I can do is with them the best of luck in their life and hope that it becomes a better one.

Disappointing hard to swallow pills

Just because you care about someone, doesn't mean they care about you.

Just because you call someone your best friend, doesn't mean they do the same for you.

Just because you put people high on your priority list, doesn't mean they do rh same for you.

Just because you have patience with people, doesn't mean they will be patient with you.

Just because you're willing to try to understand what they're going through, doesn't mean they will appreciate your efforts.

Just because someone crosses your mind, doesn't mean you cross theirs.

Just because you want someone In  your present, doesn't mean they want you in theirs.

Just because you haven't moved on from the friendship, doesn't mean they haven't moved on from you.

Just because you'd like to think of them as friends as an adult, doesn't mean you're not just that "childhood" friend to them.

Who is truly happy?

What is happiness?
If not exaggerated
Daily contentment

Closed door

No matter how much
I drown my soul I can still
See you walk away

Self destruction

There's not enough drugs
In this world to forget you're
Your own undoing

Can you be my rock?

You say you can handle me
Until a real storm hits
When the rain doesn't stop coming
And parts of my soul break,
crumbling down around me.

You say you can handle me
Until the violent winds knock you off your feet
And every word is laced with venom

You say you're my rock
Until the waves start to get rough
And you realize you're not as solid as you thought

You said you could handle the waves
Until it stopped just being light thunderstorms
Only seeing a chance for heavy rain
Not realizing its a hurricane.

Numb

My depression has gotten to the point of just a numbing contentment. I feel down but can't put the full reason into words.
All I want to do is just sleep and not wake up again. This life terrifies me.

I try to wake up every day telling myself I can do this. The truth is im not sure anymore. Regular daily errands are hard for me. Talking on the phone shouldn't be hard for me, but it is. My anxiety makes simple tasks difficult. I've tried getting help and tried it in my own. I miss my old therapist so much. She was always so easy to talk too. I have an appointment for another therapist soon but man it's hard to wait..

People want to help but don't know how. I don't know how anyone can help other than just simply being there for me. I wish I had a better answer but I don't. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish my moods wouldn't act this crazy.. I just wish I felt okay again.

I wish I wasn't here anymore.

I feel so numb and anxious at the same time. I haven't gone back to work after having a mental break down. I'm afraid of what the therapist is going to say on Wednesday. I don't even know if there's a point anymore.

I just want to sleep forever at this point. I should be happy. I have all the ingredients that should make me happy, but I feel so miserable. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.