Where am I going?

I've finally figured out everything for school as mentioned in my last post, but I wanted to give the topic its own post.


I'm excited to say that I will have my associates when I graduate in the fall, and that my wonderful boyfriend will be graduating with me if everything works out good on his end.


After that, we're both planning on moving towards our under-graduates here at a local university and getting our masters as well. I'm thrilled at the direction we're both going.


Over the summer I plan on staying clean from everything to volunteer during the Fall semester at the domestic violence center here in town, and then hopefully being able to intern through them once I get my associates.


Its not only my future that I'm proud of but my boyfriends as well. When I first met him, he was completely different. He was a much more wild type of person, and now he's a much more calmer person.


He used to not care about his future or what he was going to do and now he's going back to school for something he enjoys doing. He wants to go into Stage Production which would suit him nicely.


Tomorrow we're going to re-apply him for the community college here and get him signed back up for the Fall.


I can't wait to see how things progress.


<3.

I can't even look in the mirror

My life isn't a bad one.
I have my school situation figured out.
I have a great boyfriend who does everything he can to take care of me.
My apartment looks like a mysterious forest just like I've always wanted.


However I can't look myself in the mirror.
I can't look at myself naked anymore in the shower without feeling guilt.
I feel guilty every time I eat.
I don't shop for clothes anymore.
I stopped trying to be cute and switched to covering up as much of my body as possible.


I thought getting my hair done would make myself feel better but it doesn't.
I think taking more photos of myself would help me but it doesn't.
I thought if I tried to accept my body the way it is I'd feel better but I don't.


I hate feeling depressed over something that is superficial, but how can I be truly happy if I can't even look in the mirror without feeling guilt?


I did this. No one else did this.
I chose to eat out all of the time.
I chose to not work out anymore because I was scared.
This is all my fault.
How can you not feel guilty when you know you're the one that caused your own suffering?


Starting today we're going shopping to eat better. No more fast food.
Starting today I'm going to use the gym at my complex and run until I can't anymore.
I have to get better for the summer. I want to be happy with myself.


The guilt isn't going away.
The depression isn't fading.
Something has to change.


That change starts today.

Letting Go

Its time to put my past to rest, and to finally learn to accept the things that have happened in my life.
There are certain people that will always remain with me on my journey without this life.
To those, I would like to thank you for being here with me. Even if we've had our rough times, we've watched each other grow into the adults we are today.


For those of you who are no longer with me in my life, I hope that you are enjoying yours. I hope that you have wonderful experiences, and I hope that the impact I have made on your life is not a negative one. For those of you who I have impacted negatively, I hope you are able to one day forgive me as well.


There have been a lot of secrets in my past that I am finally willing to put to rest. There have been people who have caused a large negative impact on my life, but the best course of action is to accept and move on.


It's the time of letting go.


A new day is ahead of us!

Its always fun being tipsy

Last night was more of a wine and video game night. It was absolutely incredible. We both sat around and did nothing but just play our favorite games for three hours. It's so nice to live in a clean apartment now. Derek cleaned the entire apartment while I was at work, and it looks incredible. I love our little home. We did a forest theme, and I'm wanting the rest of the apartment to look like a forest as well.


That is my next goal for my home. We're going to get the laundry caught up and look into getting a dining set. Derek wants a specific type of dining set so we will find the perfect one. After that, we need to Derek the home a bit more. I want to get more tree lamps as well as other little things to give it a nice theme. It feels like an actual home almost!!


This is the first time I've been on my own that I actually feel things are going well. I'm not constantly hating my life when I go home, I feel relaxed, and its inviting. We always have some sort of smell going on in the home that right when you walk in the door there is a nice fruity smell.


He is the first person I can actually say has truly provided me a constant stable environment. We're able to have fun and be safe at home. I'm always in a hurry to get home just so I can spend more time with him. (:


No matter what, I know I'm always safe in his arms. ♥

Eight Months Strong!

Today marks the official day that Derek and I have been together for eight months. Its one of the most wonderful feelings in the world to wake up next to someone, and be in absolute bliss just because of their body laying their next to yours.


He has been a wonderful help throughout the amount of time I've known him. We've known each other for about three years now. He's been one of my best friends. He's always done his best to be there in his own way. Every single night he has always called me just to make sure I was alright. Because of the popularity of texting, most people don't call anymore. However, he didn't like to text so instead we always talked over the phone.


He has been the one person I have been able to tell anything too, and feel perfectly comfortable with. He has never judged me for any of my actions, and he is okay with the fact that I am a work in progress. He has read my journals and understood a lot of my struggles that even my closest girl friends never understood.


Throughout the Summer of 2016 we decided to test the waters. We never made it official until August 17th, but we did everything a couple would typically do. The connection was strong, but we were both terrified at what could happen. Neither of us wanted our friendship to be hurt, and neither of us wanted to get hurt. However, after everything on August 17th in the evening we made it official.


Things weren't perfect at first, but they weren't by at all means bad either. We were learning how to work as a couple, and how to understand each others different worlds. We've both been able to grow with each other and mold ourselves into the adults we are today. Sure we still have a lot to learn since we're both in our early twenties, but every day is going to be a new day full of adventure.


To this day, I can't imagine myself without him. He is my other half. I feel this deep connection that I haven't felt before, and while it scares me I have come to accept it. I'm completely head over heels for this man, and am absolutely in-love with him.


He has brought experiences into my life that are hard to put into words. I've felt new sensations I've never felt before. I got to see the world in a whole new way, and he has also introduced me into the city life. He took my to my first rave on March 4th and absolutely blew my mind.


Not only did I get to experience the feeling of letting go, but I was also able to experience this with him. He held me tightly throughout random points in the night as we both screamed our hearts out and danced the night away. He always made sure that I was in good hands. Everyone there had a good positive feel to them. This experience has changed my mind about the city life.


He has introduced me to such an exciting life, and I have introduced him to the life of calmness. The life of sitting at home (even on a Friday night!) and just watching Netflix. He isn't so crazy and reckless anymore. We both found peace and a liking to each others worlds. To this day, we have a good balance between the two.


No one is perfect. We both have our own issues that we are working towards, but we are working towards them together.


And that, is what makes this journey truly special.

Understanding Your Purpose

Everyone has a lot to work on. I know that I have my own flaws. The biggest thing for me right now is learning to control my own emotions. It's hard on multiple levels. I can always feel it when I'm about to explode and I need to leave the situation. I'm also trying to balance my emotional side and my logical side. So far, things have been getting slowly better.

I've been seeing a therapist again. So far everything seems like it's going okay. She seems to understand a lot of my issues and helps me break it down into more realistic ideas. It seems to help on some level. Right now I have a lot of energy that I need to get rid of, and I'm hoping she can help me eventually balance my energy.

I'm not sure what is going on with me. All I want to do is adventure, and just go and explore. After going to the city, I really want to go back. I think we're going to plan a vacation for our yearly anniversary. It would be nice to just take a break from our daily lives, and spend it with each other just having a great time every single night. I still have to go to a bar for the first time!

Things are still progressing in a positive manner. I just need to learn to calm down and understand what is real and what is not. That our brains tend to make up things in different situations. I also just need to try to meditate and I'm sure that would help!

A New Beginning

I was thinking about rather or not I wanted to start blogging again. I thought about all of the pros and the cons of what could happen. What if someone reads it that I don't want too? What if I get triggered by bad flash-backs three months from now? Maybe its time I start blogging again to at least have a nice safe spot. Maybe it will help me get things off my mind.


To start, life has been fantastic. My boyfriend and I got our own apartment together. He's working at a Panera being a little bread elf, and I ended up back at my old call center job. We have two cats together, and our apartment theme is the mysterious forest. God I wish I had a picture to post. I'm in love with our living room. That is the only part of the apartment we have completely done. We're still dealing with each others quirks, but we're doing great. This month its going to be 8 months. He's calmed down a lot so all we do now a days is sit at home, smoke, and watch Netflix. Smoking green helps my anxiety and my stomach issues.


My niece on the other hand took a downward spiral. She's still at the same steak n shake she's always been at. She fell into the wrong crowd. My boyfriend and I tried to pull her out of it, but she was far too gone to listen to us. They have her working so many hours she was even there two days in a row. By two days in a row, I mean she never even left the store. Her boyfriend is into meth. She denies it, but its obvious. She has to take pain killers because she unloads both morning and evening trucks. I've told her to find a new job that treats her better. She blew an interview at a gas station. She says she's working on finding a new job, but never actually does. She's living with one of her friends, and pays around 200 to share a bedroom. She doesn't have a car anymore because these so called "friends" were supposed to fix it. She's so far gone I can't even be around her anymore.


I've gotten to experience a different sort of life. I wouldn't say the party life as I still find it strange people enjoy getting fucked up in the company of a bunch of people they don't know in a place they aren't familiar with. I went to my first rave in the city. Sure I went to a couple of small shows in Springfield, but those were nothing compared to seeing SaidTheSky and Illenium in Kansas City. At first I was nervous. I've never been in a city before, and I was absolutely terrified of what could happen. It was life changing. I was completely sober while we were there, and I fell in love with the music, the people, the atmosphere. I fell in love with this side of life. I was able to just let loose and feel free. I was able to scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs and dance how I wanted without worrying about others. Everyone was okay with everything. Hell even someone from the show added me on Facebook. I didn't know them at all, but I thought it was nice how friendly everyone was with each other. It was much better compared to being in Springfield. This experience made me want to actually venture out in the world some more. My boyfriend and I are already planning what shows to go to in the Summer and he's decided we are going to Backwoods in 2018. Its a music festival.


School is going surprisingly well. I'm still deciding on what I want my actual job to be once I graduate. I keep going back and forth between topics. Half of me wants to get into law and half of me wants to continue on the path to be a psychologist. As far as my progress goes, I should have my associates in December, and my boyfriend is also finishing his associates in December as well. He's going for engineering. He wants to be in stage production someday and organize festivals. Its a real job so I am supportive. I'm unsure of what I'm going to do when I graduate, but I just know that I need to move towards my goal.


Regarding my physical health, I've gained weight. In-fact, I hate how much weight I've gained. I need to start working out, but every time I get a plan I fall back on it. I need to make it my goal to start running again. If I can get into shape before the summer, I'd be so happy. My boyfriend says he loves my body, but I can't love my own body so why should he? As silly as it sounds, I want to be able to wear tight clothes and short skirts. I want to be able to comfortably go out in a bathing suit. I want to be able to look in the mirror naked and be happy with who I see. I can't do that right now.


Emotionally its hard to describe. With my BPD it comes in waves. I've now met two people who also have BPD and have told me the same thing. It will get worse. I started going to therapy again, and my next appointment is Wednesday. I don't know if she can help me, but I am willing to let her try. I am seeing a doctor as well to get on some medication to help me sleep. I'll get into details on that later. Personally, I think I'm doing okay emotionally. My Mom has finally stopped blaming Jesus and started doing research on my mental disorder. She Is slowly trying to understand it. I'm trying to understand it myself. Its hard though to admit that you're the problem. That the reason for everyone leaving is you. I think back to all my friends and I ask myself how different my life would be if they were still here? If my Vacation two summers ago went better? If I never gave my attention to certain people and focused on the ones I already have around me? If I would've known the truth about how people felt about me sooner that way I could focus on those that actually want me around? There are so many possibilities, but this is reality and I have chosen my path already. You can't go back in time no matter what you do.


Let me explain my sleep problems. I know it sounds crazy, but there is something strange in my apartment. We moved to a new complex, and this one is a bit older. It doesn't have anything fancy like a built-in microwave or a brand new dish-washer. Its still cozy though which is why we chose it. I constantly feel someone is watching me in my bed-room. I've seen the shadows along the walls. I can almost feel someone's hands creep up my legs when I'm laying down. The one thing that did freak me out though was the day I went to check on my boyfriend since he was cleaning the kitchen. I came up to him, and he jumped back. He said a man appeared behind me and had his arm wrapped around me. I'm having one of my friends come over sometime and feel out my apartment. Something has to be done. The only thing that helps now is to take something to knock me out. I'm hoping I can just get the doctor to prescribe me Trazadone for my PTSD.


I've been getting lost in my head a lot. I think about my past and god I wish I could change it. I wish I could ask so many questions, and I wish I could help the people that I've hurt. I know that I can't, and most people probably forgot about me anyways. Its always for the best. However, I hate things not having an ending too them. Its one thing when a friendship ends because of some strange circumstance and you say goodbye to each other, but its another when there isn't a goodbye. There isn't a "I hope you enjoy your life" there is nothing. I've gotten to ask people why they've done the things they did to me, and I've come up with the same hurtful answer. It's all because they could. People do things simply because they know they can. There isn't any complicated reason. Its not because their parents were mean to them as a kid or because I've upset them. Its because they could so they did.


Regarding past friendships, there isn't really any answer to give. People grow up and move on with their lives. We stop doing the things we did as kids. We stop spending hours on the phone because we have other people to talk to now. We stop playing games together because we'd rather spend time with those that are closer to us. We stop wanting to be spontaneous because most adventures cost money even if its only gas money. Things start to die down. I still have other friends sure, but I rarely see them. I don't get to go out and do exciting things every day anymore. Hell the only thing exciting I've done other than the show in KC is go out to eat. I miss the excitement and I miss those moments as a kid.


My childhood was lonely and it wasn't lonely all at the same time. Most of my friends were online, sure, but they were real people too. It wasn't just a voice over the phone, but a real human being with feelings. I would always be excited to come out and jump on MSN, or call my best friend at the time. I would spend hours on the phone and on the computer just talking. We'd talk about everything from video-games to boys to new movies to just about anything we could think about. I was never alone. I kept my secrets just like I always have done, but I wasn't ever alone. My boyfriend and I share that special bond. We don't fight. We might bicker, but we can't stay mad at each other for more than 25 minutes. The longest was an hour. Which is always nice but at the same time men think differently than women. Its a proven fact. Their brains process things differently. I get lost in my past a lot. I miss certain parts and I wish I could change others. Maybe if I never did the things I did as a child, I would've turned into a normal adult.

I get lost a lot in the sea of "What if's" and sometimes forget to focus on the present. I'm 21 years old now and I plan to enjoy my twenties the best possible way I can. I'm going to discover my true self as time goes, and I want to find my true happiness within myself and not just within another person. That is the beauty of my situation right now. While I do have a significant other that I love and cherish dearly, I don't need to rely on him. I don't have to walk on egg-shells around him. I can be open with him just like I've always been. We're two different people trying to discover what exactly it is we want from life.


~ Thanks for taking the time to read this.