I was thinking about rather or not I wanted to start blogging again. I thought about all of the pros and the cons of what could happen. What if someone reads it that I don't want too? What if I get triggered by bad flash-backs three months from now? Maybe its time I start blogging again to at least have a nice safe spot. Maybe it will help me get things off my mind.
To start, life has been fantastic. My boyfriend and I got our own apartment together. He's working at a Panera being a little bread elf, and I ended up back at my old call center job. We have two cats together, and our apartment theme is the mysterious forest. God I wish I had a picture to post. I'm in love with our living room. That is the only part of the apartment we have completely done. We're still dealing with each others quirks, but we're doing great. This month its going to be 8 months. He's calmed down a lot so all we do now a days is sit at home, smoke, and watch Netflix. Smoking green helps my anxiety and my stomach issues.
My niece on the other hand took a downward spiral. She's still at the same steak n shake she's always been at. She fell into the wrong crowd. My boyfriend and I tried to pull her out of it, but she was far too gone to listen to us. They have her working so many hours she was even there two days in a row. By two days in a row, I mean she never even left the store. Her boyfriend is into meth. She denies it, but its obvious. She has to take pain killers because she unloads both morning and evening trucks. I've told her to find a new job that treats her better. She blew an interview at a gas station. She says she's working on finding a new job, but never actually does. She's living with one of her friends, and pays around 200 to share a bedroom. She doesn't have a car anymore because these so called "friends" were supposed to fix it. She's so far gone I can't even be around her anymore.
I've gotten to experience a different sort of life. I wouldn't say the party life as I still find it strange people enjoy getting fucked up in the company of a bunch of people they don't know in a place they aren't familiar with. I went to my first rave in the city. Sure I went to a couple of small shows in Springfield, but those were nothing compared to seeing SaidTheSky and Illenium in Kansas City. At first I was nervous. I've never been in a city before, and I was absolutely terrified of what could happen. It was life changing. I was completely sober while we were there, and I fell in love with the music, the people, the atmosphere. I fell in love with this side of life. I was able to just let loose and feel free. I was able to scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs and dance how I wanted without worrying about others. Everyone was okay with everything. Hell even someone from the show added me on Facebook. I didn't know them at all, but I thought it was nice how friendly everyone was with each other. It was much better compared to being in Springfield. This experience made me want to actually venture out in the world some more. My boyfriend and I are already planning what shows to go to in the Summer and he's decided we are going to Backwoods in 2018. Its a music festival.
School is going surprisingly well. I'm still deciding on what I want my actual job to be once I graduate. I keep going back and forth between topics. Half of me wants to get into law and half of me wants to continue on the path to be a psychologist. As far as my progress goes, I should have my associates in December, and my boyfriend is also finishing his associates in December as well. He's going for engineering. He wants to be in stage production someday and organize festivals. Its a real job so I am supportive. I'm unsure of what I'm going to do when I graduate, but I just know that I need to move towards my goal.
Regarding my physical health, I've gained weight. In-fact, I hate how much weight I've gained. I need to start working out, but every time I get a plan I fall back on it. I need to make it my goal to start running again. If I can get into shape before the summer, I'd be so happy. My boyfriend says he loves my body, but I can't love my own body so why should he? As silly as it sounds, I want to be able to wear tight clothes and short skirts. I want to be able to comfortably go out in a bathing suit. I want to be able to look in the mirror naked and be happy with who I see. I can't do that right now.
Emotionally its hard to describe. With my BPD it comes in waves. I've now met two people who also have BPD and have told me the same thing. It will get worse. I started going to therapy again, and my next appointment is Wednesday. I don't know if she can help me, but I am willing to let her try. I am seeing a doctor as well to get on some medication to help me sleep. I'll get into details on that later. Personally, I think I'm doing okay emotionally. My Mom has finally stopped blaming Jesus and started doing research on my mental disorder. She Is slowly trying to understand it. I'm trying to understand it myself. Its hard though to admit that you're the problem. That the reason for everyone leaving is you. I think back to all my friends and I ask myself how different my life would be if they were still here? If my Vacation two summers ago went better? If I never gave my attention to certain people and focused on the ones I already have around me? If I would've known the truth about how people felt about me sooner that way I could focus on those that actually want me around? There are so many possibilities, but this is reality and I have chosen my path already. You can't go back in time no matter what you do.
Let me explain my sleep problems. I know it sounds crazy, but there is something strange in my apartment. We moved to a new complex, and this one is a bit older. It doesn't have anything fancy like a built-in microwave or a brand new dish-washer. Its still cozy though which is why we chose it. I constantly feel someone is watching me in my bed-room. I've seen the shadows along the walls. I can almost feel someone's hands creep up my legs when I'm laying down. The one thing that did freak me out though was the day I went to check on my boyfriend since he was cleaning the kitchen. I came up to him, and he jumped back. He said a man appeared behind me and had his arm wrapped around me. I'm having one of my friends come over sometime and feel out my apartment. Something has to be done. The only thing that helps now is to take something to knock me out. I'm hoping I can just get the doctor to prescribe me Trazadone for my PTSD.
I've been getting lost in my head a lot. I think about my past and god I wish I could change it. I wish I could ask so many questions, and I wish I could help the people that I've hurt. I know that I can't, and most people probably forgot about me anyways. Its always for the best. However, I hate things not having an ending too them. Its one thing when a friendship ends because of some strange circumstance and you say goodbye to each other, but its another when there isn't a goodbye. There isn't a "I hope you enjoy your life" there is nothing. I've gotten to ask people why they've done the things they did to me, and I've come up with the same hurtful answer. It's all because they could. People do things simply because they know they can. There isn't any complicated reason. Its not because their parents were mean to them as a kid or because I've upset them. Its because they could so they did.
Regarding past friendships, there isn't really any answer to give. People grow up and move on with their lives. We stop doing the things we did as kids. We stop spending hours on the phone because we have other people to talk to now. We stop playing games together because we'd rather spend time with those that are closer to us. We stop wanting to be spontaneous because most adventures cost money even if its only gas money. Things start to die down. I still have other friends sure, but I rarely see them. I don't get to go out and do exciting things every day anymore. Hell the only thing exciting I've done other than the show in KC is go out to eat. I miss the excitement and I miss those moments as a kid.
My childhood was lonely and it wasn't lonely all at the same time. Most of my friends were online, sure, but they were real people too. It wasn't just a voice over the phone, but a real human being with feelings. I would always be excited to come out and jump on MSN, or call my best friend at the time. I would spend hours on the phone and on the computer just talking. We'd talk about everything from video-games to boys to new movies to just about anything we could think about. I was never alone. I kept my secrets just like I always have done, but I wasn't ever alone. My boyfriend and I share that special bond. We don't fight. We might bicker, but we can't stay mad at each other for more than 25 minutes. The longest was an hour. Which is always nice but at the same time men think differently than women. Its a proven fact. Their brains process things differently. I get lost in my past a lot. I miss certain parts and I wish I could change others. Maybe if I never did the things I did as a child, I would've turned into a normal adult.
I get lost a lot in the sea of "What if's" and sometimes forget to focus on the present. I'm 21 years old now and I plan to enjoy my twenties the best possible way I can. I'm going to discover my true self as time goes, and I want to find my true happiness within myself and not just within another person. That is the beauty of my situation right now. While I do have a significant other that I love and cherish dearly, I don't need to rely on him. I don't have to walk on egg-shells around him. I can be open with him just like I've always been. We're two different people trying to discover what exactly it is we want from life.
~ Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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