I can't even look in the mirror

My life isn't a bad one.
I have my school situation figured out.
I have a great boyfriend who does everything he can to take care of me.
My apartment looks like a mysterious forest just like I've always wanted.


However I can't look myself in the mirror.
I can't look at myself naked anymore in the shower without feeling guilt.
I feel guilty every time I eat.
I don't shop for clothes anymore.
I stopped trying to be cute and switched to covering up as much of my body as possible.


I thought getting my hair done would make myself feel better but it doesn't.
I think taking more photos of myself would help me but it doesn't.
I thought if I tried to accept my body the way it is I'd feel better but I don't.


I hate feeling depressed over something that is superficial, but how can I be truly happy if I can't even look in the mirror without feeling guilt?


I did this. No one else did this.
I chose to eat out all of the time.
I chose to not work out anymore because I was scared.
This is all my fault.
How can you not feel guilty when you know you're the one that caused your own suffering?


Starting today we're going shopping to eat better. No more fast food.
Starting today I'm going to use the gym at my complex and run until I can't anymore.
I have to get better for the summer. I want to be happy with myself.


The guilt isn't going away.
The depression isn't fading.
Something has to change.


That change starts today.